Despite All This Cage… I’m Still Just a Drunk Douche

By: Raul Parra
Email: rp@99sportsproblems.com
Twitter: ParraPalliative
Before you read a single word of this article you must watch the video first.  Absolutely no exceptions.

Now that you have been injected with Mr. Cage’s madness let me explain to you what this is all about.  I hate drinking games.  I despise them in fact.  Just the idea of a bunch of sweaty douchey frat pack assholes packed around a table trying to throw tiny balls into a cup is enough to send me into a rage.  You don’t need a reason to drink, other than the fact that alcohol has not touched your lips in quite sometime.  With that being said, I’m about to do something that you should be used to in your life, let you down.

How you ask?

I invented a drinking game.  Not only did I invent a drinking game, I invented a drinking game that requires you to view, dare I say experience, the greatest movie ever committed to celluloid.  Vampire’s Kiss is beyond a mere master piece.  It is a pure concentrate of artistic brilliance.  Artists strive their whole lives to be able to cultivate the intangible ether of life, some fail and some succeed.  Vampire’s Kiss is one of those successes.  This only BEGINS to describe Vampire’s Kiss. 

I can see it in your face now.  You’re intrigued.  Great let’s move on.

“YOU GOTTA HAVE RULES AND YOU GOTTA HAVE DISCIPLINE” – SEAN NOKES
Below is a flexible list of rules on how to play our little game.  Remember you should look upon these rules as a guideline not a Bible, Koran, Tora or Maxim Magazine.  Please feel free to make up your own house rules or modify the listed rules however you see fit.  In fact if you do modify something, send me an email (rp@99sportsproblems.com) I’d love to read it.
  1. Acquire a copy of Vampire’s Kiss.  It’s pretty fucking pointless if you don’t.
  2. Stock up, depending on the amount of players, on the cheapest crap beer you can find.  However, do spend the money on a nice bourbon.  As much as you can afford.
  3. Argue until you figure out who “The Doctor” is.  I find yelling the loudest usually wins.
  4. Every player must have a beer and one shot in front of them.  Except for “The Doctor”.  She has to have two shots and a beer in front of her at all times.
  5. A “drink” consists of a 3 second duration.  Count in your head, “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi… etc.”  Players accused of cheating must immediately take a shot.  More than one player calling you out is all the evidence needed.  Oh and in the words of Mr. Laux, “Quit bitching and take your shot.”
  6. Any time you hear Peter Loew’s accent change take a drink.
  7. During any doctor scene, “The Doctor” can hand out her medicine (one shot) to any player, unless said player yells out “Maria Conchita Alonso” before the shot is placed in front of them.  This phrase must be said PERFECTLY, if not player takes the shot.  If the player says the phrase correctly  “The Doctor” takes the shot.  No matter what the outcome the targeted player now becomes the doctor.
  8. If Peter takes a drink you take a drink.
  9. Every time Peter says “Alva” take a drink.
  10. Every time you see Rachel the Vampire take a drink.
  11. Every time you hear “Rattle Snake Hills” take a shot.
  12. During the “ABC’s Scene” and “I’m a Vampire! Scene” drink until Peter stops screaming.
  13. Every time the word “file” or “misfile” is said take a drink.
  14. Every time Peter says “Too Late” take a drink.
  15. Every time Peter says “I’m a Vampire” take a drink.
  16. Every time Peter chatters his fake teeth take a drink.

Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You’re the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn’t ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That’s right, Alva. It’s a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn’t think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I’ll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.

Find Me Here:

rp@99sportsproblems.com

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